PULSE - VALENTINE SPECIAL!
This has got to be the most hilarious article I have read by Smitta Smitten of Pulse Magazine (The Standard Friday Pullout)
The showbiz kittens
By Smitta Smitten
It’s that time of year when dudes and babeskis go crazy coz it’s Valentine’s Day. Next week will begin with Monday Madness, although I stopped getting smitten by the love bug shiznit ever since I discovered that Valentine wasn’t a hot, Greek chick who posed for nude sculptures. It was a bald geek who wore monky clad (Fundi, where’s my cap, dude, or are you operating like that Mutua dude who skives with TVs?).
Anyway, St V. got me thinking: What would it be like for one of you Pulser dudes to date one of these showbiz kittens?
Angie Rabbo (Tattuu): She’s got the looks, the brains and definitely the smile. But where is she? At 680? Shinde is now definitely available to y’all.
Cess Mutungi: We have beef with this chick like two Morans at the back of a pick-up. Kwanza, with her inviting me to mud wrestle with her this Sato at Sikiliza.(I think that’s just a plonyo to get to shika kiuno/viuno of the smitta). Anyway, if you lift heavy dumb-bells, are into Sumo/ mud wrestling in your spare time, have more than two trousers and can speak louder than the loudest drunkard in the pub when on keroro, then Cess is your dream chick.
Ciku Gachoka: Another female lady activist.
Debbie (Tattuu): If you thought these Showbiz chickies whose names start with ‘C’ seem to have domez, then you haven’t met Miz Debbie Asili. Out of respect for my fellow Chelskian, Shaffie, the Smitten won’t say anything more. Babeski looks good, but be glad –very glad – Debz isn’t yours.
Eve d’Souza: Eve is the kitten from heaven. Eve’s sweet and funny, down-to-earth and can rock ‘n roll. What else does a dude want, eh? No wonder KTN chose her to be their Win-A-Dream Date chickie, inspite of hot compe from Sheila Mwanyigs.
Italia Masiero: Italia has energy, for shizzel my nizzels, and she’ll wear you out like a batt way before you’se thirty. So unless you’re on that diesel that makes some Tergats (not ours) run the half mile in thirty seconds flat, Italia should come with a ‘Not Good for Your Health’ label.
Talia Oyando: Yes, I know Talia starts with ‘T’, but I needed to put all the tois together. Plus Talia ‘n Italia rhyme. Now, Talia is one really hot kid. Sweet gal too. Only problem is she got a thing for rasta klubs. So if she be yo’ gal, (ya man) and you find her in the company of a Jah dude, (ya man) forgive Talia.
Jenny, EATV: That gal looks hot in bikini, and cool in cow-gal outfit.
Lady S: Lakini that ‘lady’ in her name is fake coz this is one lady who speaks like a rough-house barman.
Nini Wacera: The drama queen to end all drama queens! I honestly believe Nini is the one chick who can drive a guy crazy – literally. Like you’ll ng’oa your clad and do a Kipchoge through Kenyatta Avenue when Nini is through with you. Madly talented, and with a talent for madness, Nini is the ‘orijino’wild child.
Pat Mbats: A classy, lovely woman. If you’se her man, coz she’s so generous, you can always count on freebies. But she’s not available.
Pinky: What can I say about Kinky Pinky, Showbiz Slinky? That’s she’s a hot babeski, with a wicked sense of temper, er, humour. In her former life, she was a goddess gone wrong so re-incarnated as a radio presenter, ha ha!
Olivia Otieno: I’ve never met Double-O, but I had her mahewa on our answering machine the other day when she’d called Mutish. Ati, " hell-oo, this eyes Oyliver Ow-ta-nyo…" I thought if OO was your boo, si guys could think you’ve hooked up with a jungu?
Rat-a-Tat: Brat-a-tat. I think this pretty lil’ Wakulima escapee looks too young to be involved with any teenie.
Sheila Mwanyigah: Cool like Papa Hammer’s bling bling. If Sheila’s your chick, she sure can make your number ring.
Sanapei: The Coca-cola popstar. Sana is the Smitta’s Valentine, so I won’t say anything nasty about babeski coz Smitta don’t want vikwazo over dinner. But as Swaleh would say, "Wacha nimeze mate as you check out the Pin-Up, if you’se a dude". Let’s see who’s swallowing mate now. Our date is sponsored by KTN and Popov.
Wahu: She’s got the most wanted ‘celeb’ in Kenya as her Valentine. Wahu can’t be with you, even in your dreams, coz she’s with Nameless. So let’s not speculate ati if she was our chick (although Mutish says he knows a good kamote expert in Kitui who can counter Nameless’s juju)...
Smitta Bonus: If you’re a pulsing babeski and want to hook up with a really cool guy for Valentine’s, I have just the guy for you. His name is Pierre. He’s brave, romantic (drinks a lot) and plays the best table football at K2 every Kenya Nite. If you want a date with him, call us at 00Alaholla – Callmeanythime-u-wonth.